The big 4-0. My boyfriend was about to turn 40 and I thought it would be fun to throw a surprise party for him.
What a great way to celebrate, since his friends and family are such an important part of his life. In the planning stages, it seemed like I was just the coordinator, but like most things in life there’s always something to be learned. Through this event, I learned a lot more than how to hang colorful streamers and blow up big balloons. I experienced first hand the stress that goes along with trying to keep something, that seems to affect another, secret.
I started by e-mailing his friends with the date and time they should arrive. And in big, bold letters, I emphasized that it was a surprise party. No one could breath a word of it to him. My shoulders tightened a little bit at that time. Would they be able to carry on a conversation with him and keep it secret? Next was his family. We planned a simple dinner as a ploy to get him to the location. Every time he talked to his mom I was worried that she might slip. That’s when the tension started germinating in my stomach. It was becoming difficult to be around the birthday boy. We were usually free and easy with each other, but now all of my attention was stuck on keeping the secret. With every question or comment, I had to analyze the proper answer. It was hard work. So much effort, I found myself resisting our dates. It was easier to find excuses not to see him than to see him.
The day finally came. People arrived and commented on how much effort it took to keep surprise parties a secret. I waited outside so I could warn them of his arrival. What a relief to see his truck pull into the driveway. In just a moment the whole charade would be over and we could all yell, “Happy Birthday!” What a cause for celebration. I no longer had to keep any secrets. I could breath again, and the tension disappeared. It was a pleasure to be around him again. Funny thing is, he was the same guy. Nothing changed with him. When the secret disappeared, the wall of separation came tumbling down. It gave new meaning to the phrase, “The truth will set you free.”
Is there someone in your life you’re feeling separated from? Ask yourself if there is a secret you are keeping from them. What wouldn’t you want them to know? What would happen if you revealed it to them?
Think of it like a gas gauge. We have a full tank of attention when we are completely honest with people.When we start to keep secrets a little bit of our attention goes into keeping that secret safe. We’ve got to use some of our attention to protect what we don’t want them to find out. What can we say? What’s appropriate for the situation? The more secrets we have, the more our attention goes into keeping those things safe. And before long, we’re running on empty. We have no attention left for those things we really want to create in life. Our attention has been used to safeguard our secrets. The fastest way to refuel is to reveal some of your secrets.
Let people know your true intentions. Align with them toward a mutual goal. If you’d like to recover some of your fixed attention, try the variation for the Walk for Atonement on the next page. See what happens. Notice how you feel and ask yourself, “Do I really want to spend my attention on keeping secrets or use it productively to create the life I really want?”
Pamela Ziemann, Kirkland, WA
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