by Kristin Madden
Someone taught me when I was very young that we attract what we fear the most. Consequently, I have always faced my fears head-on. When I realized I was afraid of flying, I went for my pilot’s license. I knew I feared public speaking, so I accepted an offer to lecture and lead workshops at a local conference. This worked very well for me, until I decided to have a child. Suddenly, my beliefs and fears were out of control. I felt powerless to control what was happening to me. I always believed we create our own reality, but why would anyone want to create what I was experiencing? The more I resisted, the more I experienced just what I was trying to avoid. Life is not the cause of suffering, as Buddha said, resistance is. And, boy, did I suffer.
When I became pregnant, I believed that unpleasant symptoms were an unavoidable part of pregnancy. I would just have to deal with these until I gave birth. I accepted with absolute truth that I would be incredibly nauseous for several months. I lived on rice cakes. I didn’t know what else to expect until I read various pregnancy books. With belief and expectation came manifestation. I created a truly miserable pregnancy.
When I was seven months pregnant, I did the first two sections of The Avatar Course with my mother. I had a wonderful time but didn’t feel I was learning anything new. About two days after she hit her wall of resistance, I hit mine. I repressed these feelings of apprehension and uncertainty, refusing to even acknowledge them. I didn’t want to know why I felt this way; I just wanted to leave. We bailed out before the end of Section II. Both of us left, loudly proclaiming that Avatar was nothing new, too expensive, and possibly even a manipulative scam. When it was something important, we created and discreated just fine, thank you. Of course, we wouldn’t admit that our creations were neither deliberate or predictable.
During this same time period, my husband and I decided to take an expectant-parents class. We believed that we should be well-informed. The more information I received, the more I resisted all things unpleasant. I refused to listen to anything concerning Cesarean sections or delivery horror stories. I wouldn’t even look at those sections in my books. I said loudly to anyone who would listen, “I don’t need to know. I’m not doing that.” Once again, I resisted feelings of uncertainty and apprehension, refusing to experience them. Several weeks before I went into labor, I asked repeatedly, “Wouldn’t it be awful to go through hours of labor, only to have a Cesarean anyway?” I had sixteen hours of labor then an emergency Cesarean section delivery. What a creation!
As the months passed, I began rethinking the Avatar experience. I had changed in those four days. I found myself using some of the techniques in ReSurfacing again. In the meantime, I was living a nightmare. I knew I had created my situation. I could see how and why I did it. The problem was, I didn’t know how to change it. I wondered if Avatar could teach me to deliberately discreate and create exactly what I want. Since my mother had already decided to complete the course, I chose to wait and see what her experience was. I was still resisting.
When my son was approximately four months old, something happened that clearly illustrated the impact of resistance on experience. After he woke for his night feeding, he slept with us. It was easier for me than getting up every time, since he was nursing. I began to resist this situation more and more each night. I felt annoyed and resentful at being woken up. I didn’t want to have to sleep in an often uncomfortable position. It seemed that the more resentful I felt, the more he needed to nurse. I decided to see what would happen if I chose to fully experience night nursing and create enjoyment of the situation. Amazingly, the instant I created this feeling my son rolled over and went back to sleep. I did the same thing for the next few nights with the same results. This was incredible! I decided there must be something to that Avatar stuff.
My mother had a very positive experience when she repeated the course. After all the various methods, seminars, and religions we had been through, she was sold that this was IT. That clinched it for me. I signed myself up and took it two months later. I went into it desperately wanting something to help me change my situation. What I accomplished was far more than that. I am a stronger, more confident being and my experience of everything is different. I deliberately create exactly what I decide. Now I have an experiential understanding of “Living Deliberately.” For me, there is no other way to live.
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