by John O'Leary
Immediately after taking the Avatar Course with Brenda Jones-Rafferty and Jim Rafferty, consultant/author John O’Leary sat down to find out what discoveries they’ve made about intimate relationships that might be of use to others seeking more satisfying relationships.
JO: What would you say to people who are not satisfied with their relationship or marriage—who recognize that something is missing or not working? What could you offer them, based on your experience with Avatar?
BJR: I’d ask: Are you willing to consider that what you believe—known or unknown—is giving rise to whatever successes or failures you’re experiencing in your relationship? If you are willing to do that, it’s a good start.
JO: That’s at the heart of what Avatar has to offer, right?
BJR: Yes. The Avatar material helps you make a connection between your thoughts, beliefs, or ideas and the circumstances you continually find in your way and then helps you create beliefs that will take you forward.
JR: It’s always easy for people to attribute their relationship problems to their partner. In a previous relationship I blamed my partner for everything that wasn’t working. But as long as I was blaming her, I wasn’t dealing with my own responsibility in it.
JO: What beliefs of yours were being played out?
JR: Aside from, “It’s all her fault,” there was also, “I can never make her happy, no matter what.” Another was, “Relationships are confrontational.” And of course it turned out exactly like that for me.
BJR: And all of that was going on underneath Jim’s apparent desire to be in a committed, long-term relationship. So how he presented himself was, “I want to be in a relationship,” but what he really believed was all this other stuff.
JR: Avatar helped me break up that belief system. I started to see that I was running away from a permanent relationship and not knowing it. I’d either pick someone who was confrontational or do something to get a confrontation going. So I’d be right about that belief. But it was all invisible to me—transparent.
JO: Did you see that after doing the Transparent Belief Exercise in the course?
BJR: Anybody who’s wondering what to do about a relationship that’s not quite working out should consider this: if you take some action while inside of the belief structure you already have about relationships, then the outcome is likely to be more of the same. That belief system can continue to box you in. You’ve not done anything to move yourself outside of that structure. But being able to say, “OK, maybe there is a way of looking at this that will give me a viewpoint outside of my current belief system”—that would be a worthwhile first step. The exercises in Section I: ReSurfacing will help you begin to discover those structures of beliefs in all areas of your life.
JO: In the courses that you’ve led, what are some of the beliefs about relationships that students have had—beliefs they uncovered in the course and then decided to dismantle?
BJR: Well, of course it’s different for different people. “Men are not trustworthy and they hurt you” is one. There are many variations on that.
JR: And I know men who have had the belief: “Women are not trustworthy.” And these are all beliefs they didn’t know they had until they discovered them in the course. Also, there’s the all-encompassing belief that whatever problems there are in the relationship are the other person’s fault. And that becomes the justification for leaving.
BJR: That’s not to say you should never leave someone.
JO: That might be necessary in some cases, but that doesn’t get to the source of the recurring issue, right?
JR: Exactly.
BJR: Another belief some people have these days is, “Men and women are hopelessly different. They can never truly communicate.” And all these thoughts or beliefs become self-fulfilling.
JO: How about, “I’m not worthy of a great relationship.”?
BJR: Yes. That’s a variation of one I had: “I am deeply flawed.”
JR: One or two may have picked up that belief from their religious background.
JO: (laughing) Yes, one or two. Related to that would be the belief: “I’m not successful enough or attractive enough to have a great relationship.”
BJR: Of course this is just an example of beliefs—beliefs that some people have had. To someone who is reading this and wondering what difference this course can make, I’d like to say that the Avatar experience is about discovering and dismantling the unproductive beliefs you have about relationships—or any other area of your life. And that’s only part of it. The real fun—during the course and after the course—is creating a new set of beliefs that will serve you in having the life you truly want.Brenda Jones-Rafferty and Jim Rafferty, North Carolina
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