There is a certain bliss in ignorance.
As a child, I had a certain innocence, a naivete and lots of unknowns that I didn’t have to worry about. I liked feeling dependent, carefree and taken care of. I liked leaving stuff to the grown-ups to figure out.
When I got my first job as an alcohol and drug counselor in 1985, my supervisor told me that this was the kind of job that would open my eyes in a way that had never happened before. She also said that I would not be able to close them back again. I did not have a clue what she meant, but I was soon to find out.
A few months later, I went home to Jamaica for Christmas and the eye-opening started. I was hit with my father’s drinking problem and my family’s dysfunctional glory. It is so obvious to me now, but was so hidden from me in then.
I remember some of his friends and family coming by for their regular weekend visits. Hours later, our chance for a nice family day together had vanished, everybody’s eyes were red and their speech was slurred. Yuck, put the blinders back on please!
There is a luxury in childhood that changes when you become an adult. Some things I would prefer not to know or have to deal with. It would be easier sometimes to turn my back, to walk away, to have someone else deal with life.
Over three years since first doing The Avatar course, the blinders keep falling off and reality keeps hitting me square in the face. This sometimes leaves me in a curious place. A place where I want to slip back into old behavior and ignorance, but my awakened sense of responsibility will not let me.
If I do not see it, I can get away with doing it. But once a pattern or a behavior is revealed to me, I feel called to take action; to be responsible.
In college, I used to invent very elaborate stories (you might call them lies) to cover my not showing up for class or not doing my work. The professors would believe the story and I, on some twisted level, loved my creative skill that would get me out of a bind.
Now, I cannot sugar coat things knowingly. I see it plainly for what it is, and I recognize that lying will lead me down a slippery, dangerous slope.
I have discovered that my ego has gotten pretty clever at hiding things from me. It knows that this is the only way it is going to get anything by me now. Things are cleverly disguised, wrapped-up neatly in packages that do a side-step dance, all in the name of continuing the games.
However, with the help of the Avatar materials, I’ve been able to find these hidden or transparent creations. The integrity work really woke me up to the games I was playing and now those games are unraveling before my eyes. There is much clean-up to do after 45 years, but amazingly, I feel so much lighter and freer.
Who I have been pretending to be is becoming crystal clear. I am tired of living a reactive life, blaming others, taking a back seat to my life and spinning in circles.
I like making conscious decisions. I like living deliberately. I like clarity and honesty. I am feeling a huge reward from living responsibly. It’s the kind of reward that money cannot buy. It is said that virtues are their own reward. I heard that as a child, but now I am experiencing it. Try it on for yourself and see how it feels.
I feel like I am on a spiritual path and the fast forward button has been pushed. Enlightenment with an accelerator! It feels like I am moving quickly through issues that would take much longer without the Avatar tools.
I feel so supported, loved and guided every step of the way. It is wonderful to feel alignment and connection with like-minded people. It is incredibly powerful and energizing. I am enjoying living with my eyes wide open!
Nicola Karesh is an Avatar Master from North Carolina.
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